Hot & Horny
by Sasukeluva 4eva
Summary: What turns the Akatsuki members on? Crack, OCC-ness, possible -coughmanycough- explosions involving Tobi, profane language; not for the faint of heart! Please R&R if you wanna see how Akatsuki REALLY take over the world...MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sankyuu!
1. Art is an explosion in SO many ways

**a/n: Haha, well this is an extremely random crack fic (my FIRST, so go easy on me! But knowing moi, I'm pretty sure that I won't have too much trouble with this...) that I came up with whilst drunk on choccies and prancing around my room with the imaginary leprechauns that I tend to see from time to time (particularly around Easter... =D *insane smile*). It will consist of all ten of the Akatsuki members, each one having their own chapter to explain their... '**_**awkward**__**situation'**_**, lawl! XD**

** Urgh, it just randomly appeared out of nowhere, ferserious guys; I was drawing a picture of Deidara (ironic how the basis of this story popped up as I was drawing all ten of the Akatsuki), and all of a sudden a title flashed (literally) behind my eyes. **_**'Hot & Horny.'**_** I was like, "No fereakin' way dude!" And they were like, "Uh, yeah way man; you are most fucked up person alive to date, so why shouldn't this be the cultivated work of your twisted logic and utterly disturbed brain cell malfunctionism (not even a word, but fuck it)?"**

** So yeah, I got writing, and found myself really (REALLY) enjoying it, and yeah, this is how it will work; at the beginning of each chapter, I will state the name of the Akatsuki dude I'm doing for it, and write down a brief explanation as to what 'turns them on.' That's basically it. Enjoy. ^.- If you guys don't like OOC-ness, then this fic isn't for you.**

**Disclaimer: This applies to all future referencing on my part; IDNON...BIDHTOS!! Dun worry; you don' need ta know what that meant, though I'm pretty sure you guys can guess, coz you're smart cookies, that you are! **

**WARNING: overuse of the words 'ferserious', 'fereakin', 'awesomesauce', 'erection/boner' and possibly 'bunny-chan.' **

**NOTE: This chappie is dedicated to my friend Jazz (well whataya know? =S), whom gave me the ending to the first chapter (which had me in FUCKING HYSTERICS MAN! Seriously, this girl is fereakin' awesomesauce- makes me lol all the fucking time!), which should hopefully be pretty entertaining! Love ya girl! =3**

_**Summary: What turns the Akatsuki members on?**_

* * *

_Deidara; exploding bunnies (A.K.A. Tobi)_

Chapter 1

Art is an explosion... in _so_ many ways

* * *

'_Man... life can be so __**dull**__ sometimes...'_ Deidara sat idly on a tatami mat, looking out into the distant horizon, which was something serene and peaceful in itself... and that was what bothered the blonde so much; he needed noise, action, something to get his blood pulsating... in particular parts of his anatomy that desperately needed some down time. It was just _so_ tempting to reach out and blow the fucking sunset into the next millennia, but if that were possible... heh, then he wouldn't be in this little predicament, hmm?

Sighing, Deidara then proceeded to look down at the fore-mentioned area he had been so avid to get a rise out of; so far, he hadn't found any way at all to get it up, no matter what sick, perverted things he allowed himself to be dragged into, all courtesy of Tobi of course. Man, what he would give to get a simple fucking erection! Is that a little too much to ask?! Fuck, he used to wake up frequently in the middle of the night, just so that he could masturbate and go back to sleep—he had been fucking _twelve_ at the time! He was _eighteen_ now, and yet he had no fucking idea what could possibly give him the boner of his life -coughyouthcough-! How was that normal in an adolescent adult?!

Stretching, Deidara turned to look out of the dango houses' inn, only to see his idiotic partner (he didn't know why he had been forced to pair up with the fool in the first place, but that was Leader-sama's decision to make, and he had to follow through no matter how badly he hated the situation) dancing like a baboon on steroids—what a sight to behold... _not_. The vein on the blonde's head protruded as he continued to idly stare at the masked masochist (he seriously digged getting blown up—why else would he infuriate Deidara so frequently?), whom was now doing several indescribable things with his body; Deidara had had no idea that Tobi was so flexible... wait, what the fuck?!

_'I am not attracted to my partner! Whose sick idea was that?!'_

_'*Ahem* This is Deidara's Inner speaking, and on behalf of your self-righteous denial and the grievance your conscience –that being moi- is feeling right now, I have to say that that was a concoction of your true desire, and if you continue to deny this fact I'll—hey, Tobi sure has a nice ass, hmm?_And it was true, to some extent; Deidara couldn't help himself, the compulsion was too great. Rotating his head on a one hundred and seventy degree angle (he turned into Hidan at the last minute—he's the only one who could even _dream_ of doing that without a high likelihood of dropping dead from a broken neck), the blonde was shocked to see the sight of Tobi bending over, ass practically smushed up against his face. _'When the fuck did he—?!'_

"Haha, I got you sempai, I got you! You spaced out, looking at me like I was a bunny-chan, and so I snuck closer and _ha_! I got you, I got you! Heeheeheehee!" And with that, the hyperactive knucklehead pranced toward the green grass (which in Deidara's infuriated-shock much? - state looked to be the target of his ferocious temper, along with Tobi, the fucked up little retarded bunny-chan—wait a sec. _Bunny-chan_? Since when did he—?)

A light-bulb clinked above Deidara's head. Literally. Like, the old fashioned 'non-energy-conserving-ones-that-will-eventually-screw-the-earth-into-the-ground-a-thousand-fold-if-not-switched-to-the-"energy saving ones"-that-everyone-is-using-nowadays.' Yeah, _that_ one.

As Deidara processed his plan, he watched as the orange-masked sempai-obsessed freak picked up a white snow rabbit, cuddling it to his chest in the most adorable—_CLINK!_ There was a familiar throbbing pain in the blonde artist's groin, the one that he had been longing for for so long, and that was when he knew what had to be done; looking down, Deidara practically died, wanting nothing more than to run outside in front of millions of people, hold onto his crotch and scream "I got a fucking boner!". Ferserious. He literally wanted to proclaim to the world that he had some severe issues with getting it up. What was he going to do when he met the girl of his dreams...?

When it came down to sex, she'd be like "Why the fuck aren't you getting it up?!", and he'd be all like, "I'm fucking trying! Just gimme a sec!", and then she'd be like, "Am I not attractive enough for you to not be able to get a fucking erection?!"—and before the blonde could even answer, she'd throw on her clothes, flip him off, and stalk out of the house, never to return, leaving Deidara sobbing and wailing at his failed attempt at becoming a man. What a sad life that would be.

Standing, Deidara decided that he had to convince Tobi to go along with the little... "game" that he was planning; smirking to himself, the blonde proudly walked outside, ignoring the screams of utter mortification at the sight that was literally bulging out of his black sweats (yes, he was not ashamed of this, as he had always been proud of his '_size'_), as he approached his still frolicking 'friend' (and soon to be 'plaything'). "Tobi..." Deidara began, but it was something that went unnoticed by the over-enthusiastic fucktard. He would have to try again. _Terrific_.

"_Tobi_..." He said through clenched teeth, hoping that the tone of his voice would lift the fucking retard out of his stupor; apparently not, as he just skipped off to the other side of the garden. That was the last straw. "TOBI! I'm going to fucking kill you!" The explosion that followed could be heard for miles.

* * *

"Sempai..._itai_!" Tobi whined as he trudged alongside Deidara, looking torn and sulky—the blonde twitched, but ignored the comment. It served him right for not listening the first time around... then the second. Oh well, shit happens, hmm? Raking a hand through his long locks, Deidara thought of a plan to compensate for his little... _spectacle_ (hey, he enjoyed it just as much as Tobi did, even though he was _still_ whining about how much it hurt, Deidara just _knew_ that that was a facade, and that the fool really _did_ like what Deidara's explosions did to him...that, and the fact that what Deidara had in store for him would ultimately give him... wait for it... the boner of his young adolescent life. Ferserious.).

Time to bring out the big guns (no, not his penis; that comes later). "Deidara-sempai... where are we going?" Tobi asked as he bounced alongside the blonde, active and ready for anything thrown at him (could be semen... you never know... note to self: put cum in Tobi's green tea tomorrow morning before we leave); Deidara smirked at his inner knowledge of the upcoming events, and knowing Tobi 'bunny-chan's' love for his 'sempai', he knew that he could rely on the moron to do anything he asked of him—but first came the apology... of sorts. "You'll see..." Was all that Deidara said as he stalked off ahead, leaving Tobi choking on his dust (amongst other things... ew).

* * *

"Really?! Cosplaying?! Now? YAY!" Tobi squealed as he darted toward the nearest dress shop, excited at their 'game' of choice; Deidara had explained in a half-assed sort of way what they were to do, and that this was his way of making it up to him... minus the explosions... _for now_, heheheh. "Tobi, the catch will be that _I_ will be the one to pick your outfit, seeing as I'm paying for it." Tobi just nodded in his usual energetic way, swinging his arms around in the air and spinning on one foot (a/n: lol, that filler episode was EPIC! XP), before dashing toward all of the stores so that he could scout out a possible shop-stop-and-buy place; rolling his eyes, Deidara sauntered forward, already having a clear mental image of what Tobi was to look like in the hour to come.

* * *

"Uhhh, sempai...? Why do I have to wear _this_?" Tobi gesticulated toward the very suggestive outfit which consisted of a pair of bunny ears, and a fluffy white tail—that's right... he's a _bunny_. Although Tobi still wore his mask, Deidara could tell that he was genuinely confused... which was how he wanted it to remain; better him think it a game than a means to help aid in the war against his malfunctioning hormones (the blonde swears they all died somewhere and refused to come back), and finally give him... an erection... a fereakin' awesomesauce one at that. Ferserious.

Smirking, Deidara simply reassured the bunny of his fantasies –_notfrommyfantasiesnever! _–that it was all a part of the game, and that if he went along with it, he could decide on their next activity (most likely going to perv on the women in the onsens'...), to which he agreed to instantaneously... lucky him, being able to get a decent boner every fucking time they went—hello sweet Mary son of a God! (a/n: ... not supposed to make any sequential sense...?) Deidara felt the burning in his pelvis, and knew that it was time... *sigh*... time to.... get an erection. The first... since earlier that afternoon... wait, scratch that, not dramatic enough—*Eh-heh-heh-HEM!* The first one... in six fereakin' years man. _Six_. Cue the cricket chirps! ... Sad much?

"Tobi, can you do that thing you did before we spotted the dango house a while back? You know, the 'sensei' thing?" Tobi turned to look at Deidara, a cute 'Ha, nani?' expression to his tilted-to-the-side head; Kami, was that ever stimulating—  
"Hai! Anything for Deidara-sempai! *Ahem* 'Ooh! I'm a naughty schoolgirl, and I'm in love with my sensei!'" Tobi exclaimed in a faux female voice, wiggling his hips from side to side as he held his left index finger to the approximate (Deidara's guess) place upon which his mouth was to be located, twiddling it impertinently to accentuate the provocative nature and boldness of the movement as he continued on with his little dance; with that, the true game began.

Putting his hand into his satchel, Deidara chewed off some C2 explosive clay, infusing it with his chakra as the moonlight washed over the pristine garden— not that it would be for long; heh, not only would he manage to finally get it up, but he would be able to blow up the _annoyingly_ placid scenery at the same time. It was a win-win situation... for him at least. Nah, Tobi _loved_ being blown up, hmm. Tobi only realised when it was too little too late, and his screams echoed throughout the night's frosty air, dust and debris all that was left as Tobi ran for his life; this was going to be _very_ entertaining.

* * *

Yes! He did it! He finally did it! The biggest boner in the history of all boners, ferserious! It was... there really isn't a word—wait... it was... _awesomesauce_. Yes, he had the biggest boner in history and it was awesomesauce. So what if Tobi nearly died in the process? He helped him achieve what he had previously thought impossible, and for that, he should be grateful—after all, he was a part of something... beautiful...? No... there is only one word to describe it... yes... _awesomesauce_. He was a part of something beyond totally awesomesauce. Ferserious man.

Deidara had always found jerking off a little... per say... awkward?..., but that all changed after this very night—Tobi was out cold, wrapped in bandages (yes, the blonde was so grateful that he even went to the trouble of treating his wounds; normally he would have just said 'Go roll over in a ditch and die', and walked off), and muttering something along the lines of 'No, Dei-Dei-sempai... stop... it... itaiiiii... Nande... _Nande_?!', before drifting back into an unconscious state of mind, for which the blonde was eternally grateful for—do you know how awkward it is masturbating in a room with another person? _Very_ awkward. Seriously.

*Insert orgasm noises here* Just as he was about to cum, Tobi. Woke. Up. As in, hyperactive-and-ready-to-go up. Fuck me. "D-Deidara-sempai?! N-Nani?! What are you doing?!" The screams of horror that left Deidara's mouth were sure to have been heard back at base.

* * *

He would never live down the shame. Deidara and Tobi had arrived back to their hideout, and all Tobi could do was laugh, the dick-faced fucktard; not only that, but he just _had_ to go and tell _everyone_ that he had been jerking off over the 'bunny-chan' incident—now everyone thought he was gay. A gay pervert. With a thing for rabbits. Every time he went near any of them, they would scoot away then some and chuckle to themselves; it would've been more inconspicuous had he worn a sign that said 'I got an erection 'cause my demented fucktard of a partner wore a bunny suit, and he caught me playing with myself later that night.' Fucking hell man. This sucked balls. Ferserious.

So now he had to invest in a new way to release stress, without the accusations that he was a gay perverted freak with a rabbit fetish—that was when it hit him. Literally. In the head. Someone had thrown a fucking light-bulb at his head. It smashed on impact; they laughed. Fuck them. He went to his room, with the full intention of blowing something up when... _CLINK!_ And no, that was not the sound of him getting hard (what a weird noise to make... unless he's wearing a steel penis protector). He wasn't that lucky. _Yet_. He could use his _hands_. Seriously, it was, like, _ingenious_; his hands had mouths, so it would be like getting a blowjob, except, like, he was the one giving it. Awesome man. Ferserious.

Letting his pants fall to the ground, Deidara got comfortable on his bed, before his 'hands' got to work. *Insert orgasm noises –quiet ones- here* Fuck, this was better than watching Tobi run around in that bunny outfit—wait, that image makes pumping himself _that_ much better. Why hadn't he thought of this before? No answer came as he came close to cumming; the most foolish of mistakes happened seconds later when he ran chakra through his hands. Fuck. No way man. No. Fucking. Way.

_'I left detonating clay in the mouths without cleaning them out first?!'_

BWWWOOOONNNGGGGGCCKKK! *insert atomic explosion noise here*

-The other Akatsuki members-

"What the fuck is that?"

"Hey dude, is Deidara blowing crap up again?"

"ARGH! FUCK! MY PENIS!"

"..."

Sweatdrop. And guess what they did next? They. Fucking. Laughed. FERSERIOUS!

_'Why does this shit always happen to me?!'_

* * *

*-End of Deidara Crack-*

* * *

**a/n: LAWL, this was just **_**soooooooooo**_** fucking random! I just had to write it! And those last lines ("Hey dude, is Deidara blowing crap up again?" "ARGH! FUCK! MY PENIS!") were inspired by my dear friend Jazz; man, that's how I came up with the ending! XD  
So please review if you wanna read some more random shizzim about the other members! ^.-  
Sankyuu!**

***-Sasukeluva 4eva out-***

**~*~*~TBC~*~*~**


	2. Puppet shows are more than they appear

**a/n: Well here we are again! Chapter 2! I wonder who will be the victim of my twisted mind this time around...? MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you'll just hafta wait and see! I'm dedicating this chapter to my good friend Kiki-chan, whom was my first reviewer; check out her story 'Over you Uchiha, NOT!' Fereakin' awesomesauce. That is all. Enjoy.**

* * *

_Sasori; playing with his puppets_

Chapter 2

Puppet shows are more than they appear to be

* * *

Sasori was bored; _really_ bored. Deidara had been droning on and on about true art being 'fleeting', and that it had to be captured in those one-off moments known as explosions. Like fuck true art was a catatonic bang that barely lasted a nanosecond; art was everlasting, most fittingly shown through the beauty of his masterpieces—his puppets.

They were the epitome of forbidden youth (as was he, but he wouldn't dwell on that fact), never to be easily defeated by the worst of opponents—time itself; the decadence of the untimely shift in the sands of time were what truly bothered the former Suna compatriot.

Well that, and another issue. He had done the unthinkable and turned himself into an 'immortal', where although he ages as a normal human would on the inside, he was untouched and intact on the outside, looking no older than he had when he was just a young boy; that he had achieved to some extent. But what had the red haired man so worked up was the fact that not once in his whole life had he ever truly _felt_. That's right.

He had never had an erection. _Never_. Period. Ferserious.

It was kind of hard, seeing as he himself was a puppet, so of late Sasori had been developing a means of achieving this foreign 'feeling'; not that it was of dire importance, just... 'cause he was curious.

It was going to be a once in a lifetime sort of thing anyways, so he might as well just get it over with; saves some of that pent up frustration from letting loose upon the world in a whole other approach entirely. That being torturing many a man by fondling with their 'dangly bits', before obviously cutting them off; it was Sasori's twisted version of retribution, seeing as he didn't have a penis himself.

*Insert cricket chirps here*

Chyeah, awkward much?

Sighing, Sasori decided to shut the blonde haired moron up by mentioning certain aspects of his male anatomy that had been blown off of late (a/n: not really a continuation of last chapter seeing as Sasori is dead at this point in time, but it will be of relevance as he witnessed something similar to what Tobi had! XD).

It had been pretty fucking hilarious at the time. Hilarious and messy. _Very_ messy.

"Deidara... do you want me to tell Leader-sama and our fellow companions about your little 'accident'? If so, then you're going the right way about it." The red head continued onward in his puppet disguise, whilst Deidara stopped dead in his tracks. Like, literally. He just... stopped. Motionless. Immobile.

"You know I don't like to be kept waiting!" Sasori hissed as he turned to face his partner, whom looked shell-shocked and for the first time even a little... _mortified_?

"You wouldn't really... would you... Sasori-danna ('my man', NOT 'husband!' XP)?" Deidara's eyes bulged as he thought about everyone finding out about his little 'incident'; things weren't looking too good for him right now...

"Not if you hurry the fuck up! We're going to be late, again, and I will not accept any more redundant punishments on your behalf!" Sasori barked angrily as he pushed forward, Deidara hot on his heels; fucking retard! The closer they got to the base, the more Sasori began to dwell on the possibility of actually being able to... what was it that young people called it nowadays...? _Jerk off_? What a foolish thing indeed! It had a proper name, so why couldn't they just address it by that title?

The standards that the new generation had, needing new names for ancient traditions such as this—man that sounded so fucked up. And weird. Ferserious.

Grunting, the red head continued to drag his heels along the desert sand, hoping that he would soon arrive back at their hideout so that he could continue working on his little 'experiment' of sorts; this was sure to be entertaining...

* * *

'—_apply pressure; jerk forwards, back to the base—'_

"Fuck, this isn't working!" Growled an agitated Sasori, who was less than pleased with the result of his test; the adjustable penis had done nothing productive as of yet—that's right. He made a penis. An adjustable one. That he could wear. Kind of... sad –coughfestycough-...

Throwing the contraption to the other side of the room (breaking several of his other lab experiments in the process), the fuming puppet master stalked over to where his creations lay, before picking them up and manipulating them to do his will; the thin, barely visible threads attached themselves naturally to the wooden contraptions, twitching in anticipation of what they were to do for their master.

Flicking his wrists, Sasori had the marionettes do their own battle dances, spinning, twirling, stabbing, tearing at the bearings of the walls, the foundations, the attack dummy, anything he could find that was hittable; the red head was pissed. By far. Ferserious.

An accidental action caused one of his puppets to come flying back right in his face, brushing the flat space that was supposed to be where his penis should have been, once upon a time, ultimately causing the ninja to stiffen; a slight tingle went up his spine and curled up in the pit of his stomach—a tight, pleasant kind of pain... no, wrong word... _pleasure_ was more accurate. It was, for lack of a better word... _awesomesauce_.

He... _liked_ what he felt. Pushing himself up so that he was kneeling, Sasori looked at his hands, which were trembling ever so slightly; had he finally found the answer to his calling? He was about to find out. Bringing his puppets toward himself, he watched as the first puppet raised their wooden appendage to the second marionette's genital area, and began... –_!_- hesitantly rubbing the fore-mentioned spot, the searing throb in Sasori's nether region becoming quite intolerable; Sasori. Was. Watching. His. Puppets. Touch. Each other.

_Touch each other_.

In very unsuitable places—and he found it _hot_. _Very_ hot. It must be a puppet thing or something... When the singular digits started prodding at the slits 'down there', Sasori decided offhandedly that he couldn't take it anymore; dragging the two marionettes to where he crouched, he had them... *sigh*... Good grief... touch_ him_... _there_. With their _whole_ hands.

*Insert orgasm noises –muffled ones- here*

The singular digits were now prodding inside of his wooden folds (gross man, ferserious), twitching and doing god-awful things that should never be repeated for the safety of all young, youthful chilidogs' sanity and self-preservation—Sasori was in heaven (a/n: ... *shudders*...). Plain and simple.

Never had he felt like this in his life, and he dearly hoped that it would never end, but unfortunately for him, all things had to eventually decay—just like himself. But just as he was about to go over the edge, he found that their. Fingers. Were. Stuck. Inside. Of. Him.

As he desperately tried to yank them out, Deidara. Walked. In. Without. Knocking. Literally. Ferserious man. The blonde strolled in, talking loudly to himself about something that was obviously another order from Pain-sama, when he finally noticed what... Sasori was... _doing_. Or rather, _what_ was doing _him_.

His eyes bulged, before the fucktard screamed. Like, _really_ loudly. Alerting all of the other members. They came running. They saw too. They laughed; more accurately they _cackled_—it was an _uproar_ of laughter. Sasori was gonna murder each and every one of them. Starting with his idiotic, dick-faced partner.

-The other Akatsuki members-

"What the fuck man?!"

"That's some fucked up shit."

"Who would have thought that Sasori was into _that_ sort of thing?"

"Kinky! Maybe he'd volunteer as a sacrifice to Jashin; it would humour him greatly!"

"Are you an idiot Hidan? That's utter blasphemy and you know it."

"S-SASORI-DANNA?! Argh, my retinas have melted out of my skull!"

"Sickening..." –Itachi makes an unamused, repulsed face /_\-

"Itachi... you don't find it amusing in the slightest?" –Kisame grins like an idiot-

"No. It is immoral. I'm leaving." –Itachi turns and walks off, Kisame begrudgingly in tow-

-Everyone except Deidara has left-

*Insert cricket chirps here*

"Deidara... be prepared... because you are going to be my next puppet vessel!"  
"ARGH!"

-The other Akatsuki members-

"Hmm, I wonder what's happening now?"

"Who cares?"

"I'm gonna go see!"

"Hidan... stay where you are before I cut off your head and re-attach it to your ass."

* * *

*- End of Sasori Crack-*

* * *

**a/n: Haha, I liked the way I ended that! That's a first! Well, the last line was epic for me anyways! Please review, and you'll get a dedo at the beginning of next chapter! ^.-  
Sankyuu!  
**

***- Sasukeluva 4eva out-* **

**Ja ne! **

**/_\ O.\/ -:_:- -.-* =O_o= o.o \ o.o / -_- THE AKATSUKI SALUTES YOU! XD**


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